Transcript
Disclaimer! These are fan transcriptions of the show, so there is chance for errors. Sorry for any inconvenience!
Episode 2 - The Sound of the Future
The title music revs up and begins to play. It is a funky, bassy tune.
Backing: Ooh!
Jazz: That's the sound of you
Backing: Listening to
Jazz: The sound of me
Backing: I'm ready, ooh!
Jazz: My name is Jazz Emu
Backing: It’s the sound, it’s the sound, it’s the sound, it’s the Sound of Us
Jazz: And this is The Sound of Us
The music stops
INT: Jazz's Studio
Jazz: Good Evening. I am Jazz Emu and I am both delighted and here to give you, the normal people, a glimpse into my life as a humble, unpretentious comedomusicalogical phenomenon. Music has always been my deepest passion, which is why I’m doing this radio show! As a musician, a songwriter and remember to come up with a third one, I’ve had more hits than the Beatles and Niki Minaj combined… as they are yet to collaborate. I’ll also be giving a platform to my assistant on this show - my nephew slash manager slash manservant, Bonson – because I’m all about giving a voice to the youth of today. Isn’t that right Bonson?
Bonson: Yeah I mean I’ve just-
Jazz: But enough about us! The world is changing fast, technology is transforming our lives at an alarming rate. Personally, I’ve committed to a full digital detox. No more technology for me, no siree! Sorry I mis-read that, no siri! Because in this modern era of relentless updates and downloads, it’s so important to switch off from technology, to take a moment to disconnect from the grid, put down our phones and-
A phone buzzes
Jazz: Ooh- I’m getting a text! Oh, Claire’s outside! Ah, buzz her up.
Bonson: Oh not Claire, she's rubbish!
Jazz: She’s not rubbish Bonson, she’s a perfectly competent and highly affordable lawyer
Bonson: She doesn't even understand legal words!
Claire: Hi! Hello! Oh my god, sorry I’m late. I was just ironing this new lawsuit, but the jacket’s just so crinkly, look!
Bonson: She doesn’t even understand what lawsuit means-
Jazz: Good afternoon Claire, how are you? What’s going on?
Claire: Well, not to Belamy the mood, but we kind of need to sit down and take a look at your record contract again. Something weird’s just come up with the label! I’ll just get it out of my bag.
Things rustle around as she looks for it
Claire: Not that
There is a thump and some more clatters
Jazz: How big is that bag? Is that an egg whisk?
Claire: Where is it? Voila! … Wait, (she laughs) what is that weird little wiggle on the bottom?
Jazz: Uhh, are you serious?
Claire: It’s so funny! It’s like weaoahhhh!
Jazz: (deadpan) That’s a signature Claire, that- that’s my signature.
Claire: Why’s your handwriting so bad! I literally can’t read that at all!
Jazz: That’s literally what a signature is Claire.
Claire laughs again
Claire: Looks like someone needs to go back to handwriting school! Well, I guess that’s just school isn’t it, primary school
Jazz: Why are you here Claire?
Claire: Okay so Mr Chuff, from your record label, messaged this morning to say they’ve been experimenting with someone called Al, who’s gonna replace you!
Jazz: What?! Who is this guy?
Claire: Well according to them, Al’s gonna take over and Al is the future, so he must be really good
Jazz: Wait, are you sure the message didn’t say A-I?
Claire: No, I’s have a dot at the top
Jazz: (exhaperated) Capital I’s
Claire: Yeah! We should capitalise! Maybe we could sue Al…
Jazz: Claire there is no Al, it’s Artificial Intelligence. Like- like a computer, a robot!
Claire: Ohh, I get it now
Jazz: Okay, finally. Did they say anything else?
Claire: So they said that this robot called Al...
Jazz: Still not quite there
Claire: … can apparently do a pitch perfect imitation of your voice
Jazz: Pfft, there’s no way a computer could replicate my inimitable vocal timbre
Claire: Well, this is the sample that they sent
A recording begins to play, it sounds like Jazz but with a distinct robot effect to the voice
Robot Jazz: Hi, I’m Jazz Emu.
Jazz: Oh, hey Jazz, could you give us a minute, we’re just listening to a sample- oh my god that’s good
INT: Mr Chuff's Office
Jazz: So let me get this straight Mr Chuff, it says in my contract that you’re allowed to do this?
Mr Chuff: Sorry Emu, it’s right here: Clause 58.89332 in the small print.
Jazz: Claire! This is exactly why I said you need to read out the terms and conditions slowly
Claire: I know, it just sounds so funny when they read them out all fast on the radio.
This section is sped up to sound like the fast radio Ts&Cs
Claire: Ts&Cs apply, functionality semi guaranteed. Product not reliable or honestly really even technically usable.
Jazz: Hm, to be fair it does sound really funny
Bonson: Again, again!
Jazz: But this is ludicrous! Mr Chuff, even if the robot can sound like me, there’s no way it could write songs the way I can.
Mr Chuff: Actually the A-I is rapidly learning how to compose. Just this morning it mastered how to write the perfect Bon Jovi song. Listen
Music begins to play
Bon Jovi: Cause ready or not she said, woah oh! Yeah! Woah woah, yeah yeah yeah, wo-oah woah yeah
The music stops
Jazz: Yeah but that’s easy! Those guys don’t even bother with words. My songs are much more complex
Mr Chuff: True, but it is learning at a rapid rate. It won’t be long until it’s conquered every genre on the planet. And then we wont need artists at all!
Jazz walks off
Jazz: Ugh it went terribly
Bonson: I know, this computer stuff is getting scary
Claire: I recently read that the government can watch you touching your private area through your webcam
Claire: No, I tried that. It stings and leaves a horrible rash
Jazz: (disgusted) I’m sorry that is just-
INT: Jazz's Studio
Jazz: Can you believe this Bonson? They’re planning to replace me with a robot! This is absurd! There are so many things humans can do that robots can’t
Bonson: Like what
Jazz: Well- I don’t know- like, describe the feeling of being in love!
Bonson: How would you describe that?
Jazz: It’s like a sensation of like- big happy… big, nice warm… nice time.
Bonson: (joining in) Happy… w-warm, big willy, big nice time smile-
Jazz: Yeah you’re catching my vibe Bonson! And honestly, what does an A-I know about my music? Sure it might be able to churn out some generic pish but could it ever appreciate the staggering beauty of Beethoven?
Classical music begins to play for a few seconds before the record scratches
Jazz: Whoof, that’s enough of that, yikes! One way ticket to yawn town
Bonson: I preferred his earlier stuff
Jazz: I can’t let them replace me Bonson. I need a hit, and fast! If I can beat that robot in the charts, they might think twice about the whole thing
Bonson: Nice, I like it. Okay what kind of song are you gonna write?
Jazz: Something a robot could never come up with. A song that all of humanity and only humanity could relate to. I’ve got just the thing! Hand me my lute Bonson!
A smart speaker starts up and begins to play
Speaker: Now playing: Jazz Emu, I Like Crispy Towels
Jazz: I like crispy towels! (Rock solid to the touch)... I like the way they feel up on my back… I like crispy towels, yeah… I like the way they scratchin’… I find it so relaxin’ woo!... You can put your soft cotton right in the bin… I want sufficient rigidity… to take off a layer of skin
The song ends
INT: Jazz's Studio
Jazz: So! The song’s been out for two hours. Bonson! What’s the reaction like?
Bonson: Alright let’s have a look- ooh, not good
Jazz: What?
Bonson: Two million dislikes. The top comment at the moment is ‘this is a pile of toasted anus’.
Jazz: Oh that is not a good image to visualise. Wh- what- why would people hate this song? Maybe it’s just the cruel trolls of the internet. Turn on the radio, lets see if it’s going down well there.
The radio starts up
Radio Host 1: So now, back to the chart show. One song storming into the top ten and an absolute bop from Jazz Emu…
Jazz: Yes! We did it Bonson!
Radio Host 1: …This is ‘Feels so Good to be a Conscious Bipedal Mammal’
Jazz: What? That- That’s not one of my songs.
Uncanny electro music begins
Robot Jazz: It feels so good to be a conscious bipedal mammal… I have experienced good and/or bad stuff… I sleep an average of seven to nine hours a day… and my biomorphic structure is adapted to various terrains
The song ends
Radio Host 1: Absolutely fantastic and I must say, very relatable.
Radio Host 2: Who doesn’t have an adaptable biomorphic structure?
Radio Host 1: And to celebrate the song doing so well, we’ve got Jazz in the studio now!
Robot Jazz: Hello.
Jazz: That’s not me! They’ve turned the A-I into a physical clone!
Radio Host 1: How are you doing Jazz?
Robot Jazz: I am doing either well, not well or possibly fine.
Radio Host 1: Oh, we’ve all been there!
Radio Host 2: This guy just gets it!
Robot Jazz: And I’d just like to add, I’ll be performing my new song at the London Palladium tonight. Tickets going fast.
Jazz: Right. There’s only one thing for it!
EXT: London Palladium
Jazz: Here we are, the London Palladium!
Bonson: (singing) It feels so good to be a conscious bipedal mammal…
Jazz: Bonson?
Bonson: ...I feel-
Jazz: Are you singing the robot song?
Bonson: Sorry, it’s just the verse about pain being broadly unpleasant really does ring true
Jazz: Okay, look we need to get in through the back entrance so we can get on stage and show everyone they’re singing along to a robot!
Security Officer: Alright lads, you got a security pass?
Jazz: Well I do not don’t not, not have a lack of a security pass?
Security Officer: Quintuple negatives ain’t gonna work on me I’m afraid
Jazz: Oh, worth a try. Fine! We’ll have to sort this like real men. Take this!
A slap is heard
Jazz: And this!
Another slap is heard
Jazz: And this!
Another slap
Jazz: Is that enough bribes?
Security Officer: Ha, yeah, in you go
Bonson: In we go!
Security Officer: Oh not you pipsqueak, it’s one in one out
Bonson: Oh, I’m not sure I can stretch my legs that wide
Jazz: God’s sake Bonson just catch me up!
INT: London Palladium
Robot Jazz’s song can be heard playing with a large crowd
Jazz: Stop! Stop the gig! That is not the real Jazz Emu!
The crowd gasps
Robot Jazz: I either do or do not know what you are talking about.
Jazz: This right here is a robot! I’m the real Jazz Emu!
Robot Jazz: What a load of 11011- I mean hogswallop! If I’m a robot, prove it
Jazz: Fine! Let’s have a dance off! The ultimate physical expression of humanity. Can you do this?
Hip hop music begins to play
Robot Jazz: No problem.
Hip hop music continues to play. Eventually the crowd cheers
Jazz: In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have done the robot
Bonson: (out of breath) Sorry I’m late Jazz, sorry I’m late other Jazz- oh my god. I’m seeing double!
Robot Jazz: Ah it’s my nephew Bonson whom I either love or do not love!
Bonson: Hmm, that is the lack of emotional commitment I’m used to
Jazz: Don’t fall for it Bonson!
Bonson: There’s only one way to tell you apart. It’s time to play Who Is the Real Jazz!
A gameshow sting plays
Jazz: I can’t believe you’ve finally found a context where this game makes sense
Bonson: Why did Jazz have to go to A&E last week?
Jazz: (uncomfortable) Oh, uh it was a stomach thing, lets- let’s move onto the next question
Bonson: need you to be more specific!
Robot Jazz: Now downloading my medical records.
Jazz: I just pulled a muscle randomly around the house. We- we don’t need to go into any more detail than that
Robot Jazz: Patient required intensive abdominal surgery after following nine hours of unsuccessful auto fallatio attempts
Bonson: Correct! And it was a traumatic evening! We have the real Jazz, it’s this one. With the engine oil leaking from his left eye socket.
Jazz: This is ludicrous!
Robot Jazz: Oh, sorry ball boy. It looks like you’ve lost! And oh! What’s that? It’s 7pm, the UK top 40 has just been announced. Shall we see if my song has reached number one?
The crowd cheers
Robot Jazz: I’ll just log into the label system to see the charts statistics. What’s this? We’ve updated our security after recent hacking attempts? Select all squares containing traffic lights?
Jazz: Oh my god it’s a Captcha
Robot Jazz: (panicking) Uh, since I’m not a robot this will be easy! Uh- Oh- Eughh
There is a series of error sounds
Jazz: He can't do it!
Robot Jazz: Yes I can- Ow- Just- I just need to click- uh- is that a real traffic light? Or is it a traffic light- Novelty ice lolly- eugh- aah- ough- eee- aaa- ooo
Suddenly there are a few short beeps, followed by an explosion and a few loud clangs
INT: Jazz's Studio
Radio Host 1: New legislation has been brought in to prevent robots replacing musicians after one exploded at the London Palladium last night.
Bonson: Good evening!
Jazz: Good Evening, Bonson. By the way I'm Jazz, if you can’t tell. You seemed to have a bit of a problem identifying me back at the Palladium
Bonson: The robot looked exactly like you
Jazz: It had wires coming out of its back
Bonson: I thought they were hairs!
Jazz: What about the wheels on it’s feet?
Bonson: I thought you had bunions again!
Claire: Hello lovelies!
Jazz: Ah, Claire, did we get that new contract through from Mr Chuff?
Claire: Yeah, they’ve agreed not to mimic your likeness again
Jazz: Wow, you know what, I’m genuinely impressed Claire. You’re really beginning to get the hang of this law stuff!
Claire: And that’s not all. I’ve made a new deal with them over your discography and it went so well, they kept complimenting how my paperwork had nothing wrong with it!
Jazz: That’s fantastic news!
Claire: Yeah, they kept saying ‘you’re giving us all the rights’!
Jazz: You're fired.
Claire: You can’t fire me, it’s in our contract!
Jazz: I don’t remember our contract saying that
This bit is sped up again
Claire: Terms and conditions apply, Claire cannot be fired because Claire is a really good girl who’s good at her job and works really really hard. So you cannot fire her. Before you fire her you have to fire yourself so you cannot fire her. She is a really good girl.
Jazz: For god’s sake Claire, it’s almost like you’re working for the record company and not for me! You hand over my rights to them, you botch every contract, you- you can’t even read signatures!
Claire: I’m sorry, I just find squiggly writing so hard to understand!
Jazz: Wait a second… Squiggly writing? Like in those- like in those old captchas
Claire: What?
Bonson: Oh my god
Jazz: Claire are you a-
Claire: I don’t know what you’re accusing me of, but it’s weird and I don’t think- Battery Low! Battery Low!
Claire starts to glitch out in the background
Jazz: Oh good grief I should have known the hatch in the back of her head was a bad sign
Bonson: Unplug her or something!
Jazz: Can we turn her off or- She’s plugged into the wall! Did you see her plug into the wall?
Bonson: Where’s the socket even going?
Jazz: I don’t know, I think she brought it with her?
Bonson: Ah, get the hammer, get the hammer! Bash it! Bash it!
A few beeps are heard and then the robot explodes
INT: Jazz Emu's Studio
Jazz: So there it is, a day in a celebrity’s life. Just like a day for anyone else! Mimicked by a cybernetic organism, then having my robot lawyer explode all over my front room- you know what, on reflection that is a pretty weird day.